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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23193835">Sunlight and Bruises</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Lattes/pseuds/Rose_Lattes'>Rose_Lattes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, F/M, Mentions of Nott/Yeza, and beau/yasha, fjord/cad, very stream of thought</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:33:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23193835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Lattes/pseuds/Rose_Lattes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A very late entry for the final prompt for the 2019 widojest week: "Are you secretly in love with me?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sunlight and Bruises</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Inspired by 'You Say I'm In Love' by Banes World</p><p>
  <em>I've been so unafraid</em><br/>
<em>To die alone</em><br/>
<em>I know what I've done</em><br/>
<em>I heard your tone</em><br/>
<em>Dust off your coat</em><br/>
<em>The rain is coming back</em>
</p><p>Caleb liked to think he had a handle on who he was and what he wanted to accomplish. He liked to think that he was capable, intelligent, and independent. He was sure of the first two, the third not so much.</p><p>Nott needed him. He knew that. He also knew that his time with Nott had an expiration date. Once he helped her back into her old body, she would return to her family. He liked to believe this didn't bother him. He liked to think he could function by himself again, that years down the road when their little group split up, he would be just fine and that if he wasn't okay with the solitude, then it was his bruise to bare. Because how could someone like him be so selfish in regards to family?</p><p>Caleb liked to think that his emotions were surpassable, that they were nonexistent obstacles easily bypassable, but that wasn't the case. He had grown attached. He liked Nott's company. He liked all of them, and he was having a difficult time tearing himself away from the comfortable future he daydreamed about: an image of warmth, not blistering, not like fire, no it was a warmth akin to the gentle touch of the sun.</p><p>But his future and his past were not easily separated. They weren't mutually exclusive. They bled into one another, and any reminder of his crimes sent him into a spiral of self-hatred, and he denounced that gentle touch of the sun because he didn't deserve that, not when he was who he was. Not when they were who they were.</p><p>They all had their problems, their vices, but he was positive that he was the worst of them. He wouldn't bruise them with his edges, not when some of them were still so very soft. No. He would make it easier on all of them and keep his distance.</p><p>
  <em>A few months without it</em><br/>
<em>It keeps happiness on track</em><br/>
<em>You would never notice</em><br/>
<em>Stuck in that head of yours</em>
</p><p>Distance didn't work. Distance was no longer a viable option. Beau had wrapped her arms around him, claimed his as a brother. Yasha, silent and still, saw right through him. Fjord was far too easy to like, far too easy to get along with. Caduceus offered him a perspective unlike any other, and Jester-- sweet and strong Jester. She did not just see him for who he was, but who he could be, and he couldn't help but race toward that outline she had created for him. He so wanted to be who she thought him to be, and lately, he had gotten it in his head that maybe he already was.</p><p>He didn't notice it instantly, who does? It happened like an avalanche, and he couldn't control it, and he would die suffocated beneath all the snow and rock, but he needed her. He needed Jester's smile and laughter, and he needed her care. She cared for everyone on a level only she was capable of reaching. She cared for him like no one ever had. Jester checked in on him, made sure he was okay even when he hadn't taken the most damage, because she could see it. She could see all the bruises marring his heart, and she might not understand what caused them, but she knew he needed help, occasional nudges, and she was there with her elbow poised to prod.</p><p>Soon he found himself wishing to repay her endless adoration, so he bent beneath her touch. She so much as mentioned something, and he was already thinking of how to accommodate her. She inspired him to be better, more present, and less involved with himself, and he was ever so grateful.</p><p>He noticed things now, things that he had been missing all this time due to having an entire foot stuck in the past.</p><p>He noticed how Beau's jokes with him were different than the ones she told Fjord. He noticed how Nott enabled Jester's antics with a near-violent intensity. He noticed how Cadeucues and Yasha, despite being the two most reserved in their group, were capable of adding the most fascinating points to conversations.</p><p>He also noticed how Fjord would perk up every time Cadeuces called them for tea. He saw how Nott softened in Yeza's presence. He saw how Beau would intentionally seek out Yasha but never start a conversation with the aasimar. She was simply content with being beside the silent giant. He noticed the warmth radiating off all of them.</p><p>He noticed how much he cared for Jester Lavorre.</p><p>He wanted no harm to ever come to her. But he didn't want to stand between her and the threat. Not when he knew just how incredibly capable she was. He wanted her to realize how strong she was, and he wanted her to be willing to protect herself first when danger shrouded them.</p><p>She was smarter than any of them gave her credit for, and he wanted her to pursue that and when she did it elated him to no end.</p><p>She would often join him in his studies. She would flitter between books, not quite sure which ones she should read. Trusting him to be a good source, she would ask him questions, and he realized that while he thought she was capable, she was thinking the same of him. So he would indulge himself and agree to assist her in her studies, whatever they may be.</p><p>Most of the time, he would pull books out for her, and she would flip through the pages, all the while still asking him questions that he couldn't possibly know the answer to. Still, he didn't mind unfamiliar topics because he would be an expert by that night. After she would leave, he would pull tomes down from the shelves and quickly read through them so he could continue answering her inquiries the next morning over breakfast.</p><p>And later that week, when he heard Jester relaying her new knowledge, he wouldn't move to correct her if her pronunciation slipped or her details were incorrect. He would simply keep his eyes trained to his text and blush beneath the enthusiasm in her voice.</p><p>
  <em>You say I'm in love</em><br/>
<em>I say you're a fool</em><br/>
<em>Look away from me now</em><br/>
<em>I'll look away too</em>
</p><p>"Are you secretly in love with me?" Jester asked with a bashful grin, mischief lingered along her lips, and Caleb's bruised heart flittered between his ribs.</p><p>Caleb had no option but to frown and playfully glare at the tiefling. She gave him no other way out of the interaction, and he hated her for that. She knew. How couldn't she, with a question like that? She knew that he was utterly enamored with her, and this was another elbow prodding his side. She had usually been so gentle in her pushes of what she wanted, yet this was heavy-handed as it could be.</p><p>As Caleb laid in bed that evening, he realized just how large of a step Jester had taken. What was her contingency plan for if he had said 'Yes'? What was her plan if he had said 'No'? She had lept off a cliff with full trust in him not to answer. She was always like that, he had just never experienced her chaos while it was directed at him. What answer was she expecting other than his blush?</p><p><em>Could it be?</em> he thought. Could she have been <em>hoping</em> for a real answer? He clutched his nightshirt, palmed at his chest, and willed his heart to calm. It was exhilarating, and he decided that the next time she broached the topic, he had to respond verbally just to see what she would do when she was no longer in control. He had to say it because his heart could not withstand another surprise like that. He had to say it because it was true. He loved her, so incredibly much.</p><p>But when he met the group the following day, that momentum had vanished. He was nervous in her presence, almost fearful of her full attention, unsure of when her next question would come. But if he were to look at her, truly look at her posture, he would have noticed she was avoiding his direction as well, a light navy blush painted her cheeks, her skin warmed by the gentle touch of the sun.</p>
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